The fortress I built around me

Last night we had girls night. First one in over 3 months due to everyone having babies and the single free ladies being busy with summer stuff and school. My friend Amanda went home with Emmalyn and Alicia put Ford to sleep. Alicia came back down and said to Whit and I lets drink some wine and go for a ride to the causeway like old times. Sounded fun. Tod watched Ford and the 3 of us went off at 9pm for a smoke ride to the causeway playing Lady Gaga’s Poker face and old jams from back in high school. We were laughing as the songs just poured in memories from the days we had no curfew, no worries and were crazy 22 year olds. How so much has changed in 8 years.

Alicia asked me what was up with Jay. Jay was a guy that is my friend Amanda’s husband, Dan’s cousin. He has liked me for a few years now. He just got out of a 3 year relationship and is interested in me. He’s a nice guy. He was invited to my surprise 30th birthday party back in August. I felt bad for him because he didn’t really know anyone but Amanda and Dan there. I was at my party for no more than 5 minutes before I had my mom, Alicia, Amanda, Caity, Meg, all my friends asking me if I’d talk to him yet. I absolutely HATE feeling pressured or pushed into something. When they started doing this I completely shut down.

Mistake #1. I told my mom about this guy that liked me. Love my mom but when it comes to me and guys I could kill her. She wants to see me happy I get it, but don’t push me. She of course tells the girls they need to invite Jay and then tells all my friends who don’t even know Jay that I should talk to him. ALL night I was hounded about talking to him. I did talk to him here and there but this party was about me and I was bopping all over the place talking to everyone. I didn’t want to be bothered with trying to connect with this guy that was being pushed on me.

I got wasted and we went to Parkside to keep drinking and he followed us there. He asked me to sit at the bar with him so I did. We talked, ( I can’t tell you a single thing we talked about I don’t remember) then he kissed me. He then kissed me 2 more times. I just wasn’t feeling it, but I was also WASTED. Next day he asked me to go to lunch with him and his family and 5 year old daughter. I was entertaining my friends, Caity, Meg and Taylor so I couldn’t but I don’t know if I would have gone if they weren’t there. First date and its with your daughter and family? Too much for me, He seems like a great guy but I make up excuses for almost every guy.

Alicia and Whit were like ok, ok we won’t push anyone on you again sorry. They both asked me though why I won’t give anyone a chance. I have this wall up. Alicia said “You could have had 10 boyfriends by now, maybe even married. I don’t get it.” Whit goes on to say ” You are an amazing woman. Your beautiful, so nice, love to have fun and just have that auora around you when you walk in a room.” I almost started crying in the back seat. Such nice things they were saying but yet I don’t see it.

I don’t know why I have these huge walls up. I don’t have daddy issues and nothing happened to me when I was young that scared me. So why have I not had a serious boyfriend or let a guy near me and I’m now 30. And yes I do like guys. The rate I’m going I’ll never get married and have a family. I’ll die alone. I for the longest time blamed it on my issues with my body. Who would want to touch me, yuk I’m disgusting. I know for sure that if I really liked the person that doesn’t stop me. That hopefully they don’t care that I don’t have a flat stomach and they like my body. So I can’t use that as an excuse.

I do know that any guys that I have truly liked and were fully interested in over the years for the most part were never interested in me. I tend to like the wrong guys I guess. I remember in middle, high school and college all my friends liking someone and getting them. They liked who they liked and some how the guy always liked them back so it was just rainbows and sunshine for them all. Me not so much. I wasn’t the hot friend or the skinny friend so I do blame my weight and looks back then. But I think right now at 30, I’m not a horrible looking person.

Back in middle and high school I really liked this boy, Dan. Thought he was great. Very smart, nice, tall and beautiful baby blues. One day in 7th grade we had to sit next to each other in Study hall. He knew I liked him but he was just nice to me. We did our accelerated math homework together. Lunch was right after and it just so happened to be Valentines Day weekend and they were selling carnations. I walked into the cafeteria and the next thing I know there’s Dan standing in front of me handing me a red carnation, saying “Happy valentines Day” My jaw dropped and I was on cloud 9. Permanent smile for the whole weekend. I then saw him give his then g/f Amanda 12 carnations but I was still on cloud 9 with my one. My first flower from a boy. It was so special to me. Still makes me smile a little at how happy I was.

8th grade I wanted to dance with Dan at a dance. He turned me down. I was super sad. Now this girl named Tori came up to me at the 8th grade graduation dance and told me he wanted to dance. I was shocked, nervous and so happy. He came and dance 1/2 a song with me. It made my summer. I was surprised Tori came up and told me this, I thought nothing of it. Back in 6th grade when we were friends we realized we both liked him. She pursued him and he denied her. So why was she coming to me saying he’d dance with me? I found out about 2 years later in the middle of high school she had paid him to dance with me. It was all out of pity and money. She paid him $20 to dance with me. I was crushed. If someone had to be paid to dance with me because I’m so unappealing then I don’t want to dance with you. Yes it was 2 years later, but to know that someone I really liked had to be paid to dance with me was the shittiest feeling ever. Dan became an asshole loser as high school went on and I forgot about him.

My 20’s came and went. I would like a guy but they would never have an interest back or they had a surprise girlfriend I didn’t know about. I got my heart-broken once when I was 22, but so hasn’t everyone else. I’m at the point now that if I’m really interested in someone, I don’t get excited or expect anything if they start talking to me. Why get all excited to just get my hopes up. And I’m usually right. They were just being friendly or nice but have no interest in me. I don’t know why every single guy I’ve shown interest in is like that. Yes, I do have many offers from guys to take me to dinner and what not but I’m not interested in them and the ones I am won’t give me the time of day. I still feel like the ugly loser friend.

I’ve had friends say so go after the guys you want… ha ha ha I have and guess what? It scares them away. I don’t know what I do. I come on too strong, ok so next time I hold back. Ohhh some other girl makes her way in and he starts dating her. Am I too independent? Yes, I have my own house, pay my own mortgage, pay for my own car, clean my house, dishes, make my dinner, travel, have fun, enjoy life. All on my own. I don’t need a guy to help me. Yes, I would love the companionship. To be able to come home and tell my guy about my day, laugh with him, go on rides, dates, adventures together. I would love that but no, I don’t need a man to take care of me. I can take care of myself. Maybe that’s what scares them away? I know what I want and I’m not just going to settle for someone just to be with someone and make everyone else happy.

So yes, I do have these walls up and I don’t really trust anyone. Why put your heart out there just so it can get stomped on and laughed at. I realize this sounds really sad and depressing but it’s just what I have come to conclusion.

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