30. With my 30th birthday now a month ago, I have finally come to cope with it. It’s here, I can’t stop it or do anything about it so why stress about it. It is what it is and I am where I am for a reason. Why was I so scared to turn 30? That was a question many had asked me.
When you asked me at 15, where do I see myself at 30 it wasn’t where I am now. I would have been married and having my first child on the way by now. Have a nice house, big yard in a small town. Have a dog and cat, 2 car garage, and a big tree in the back yard that will some day have a tire swing and tree house that my husband would build with the kids. I would have a great job and a husband that was just as good with his money as I was, so money was never really an issue. And I’d be in a marriage that I knew would last a lifetime.
Fast forward 14 years later, 29 crept up quick! The panic that 30 was just around the corner and I was no where close to where i hoped to be. I did have a good job and my own house but my house wasn’t my dream home. I was so behind in the love department it’s not even funny so husband and babies weren’t even in the picture.
Now I probably wouldn’t have thought it was that bad except for every single one of my friends are married and having children or on the path to that. I’m the single friend of the group. Each year for the past 5 years one of the girls got married and within the past 9 months 4 of them have popped out a child. Kind of gets you thinking where you missed the train for settling down and starting that part of your life.
Right now I couldn’t imagine me getting pregnant, but if it were to happen I would embrace it. I like being able to go travel and do spontaneous trips or activities when I want and not have to worry about a baby sitter or anything holding me back. It’s all I’ve known. I’m sure when the time comes I’ll quickly adjust but as of this second I just can’t imagine it.
Then you have my mother. I will repeat how much I love her dearly. I really, really do. She’s my best friend, but man can she make me angry, sad and just feel like crap all at once. I know she doesn’t mean it but it gets to you. My mid 20’s to 29 she would always make comments like “You’re getting up there, I don’t know what you’re waiting for?” or “I’m not getting any young and darling you’re not either. I’d like to be a grandmother someday.” She will go on about how much her and my dad think I’d be a great mother one day and I deserve it. Now I never said I didn’t want kids, because I do. I just haven’t found the one I want to settle down with and start a family. So she will go and push guys at a family function on me or literally cut out personals and save them for me. I’d get so annoyed. I turned 30 and she is in full gear with it now pretty much saying it’s now or never for me. I’m going to end up like my 57-year-old aunt whose not married or have any kids. She’s pretty much drilled that into my head. I don’t know what she thinks is going to happen to me, like I turn 32 and no eggs and my chances are all gone of becoming a mother? I don’t get it.
My perception of what 30 should be were all things that were kind of pushed on me saying this is the ideal place at 30. Yes, I do still want those things, but I am really ok with not having it right now. I felt like all the way leading up to my birthday this year it was people left and right criticizing where I am in life and I deserve better. I felt like someone was squeezing my neck until my head popped off. My birthday was when my head popped off and said fuck everyone. I’m not stressing about this anymore.
In the past month I’ve come to the conclusion that 30 is still pretty young in the grand scheme of life. God, I still think of myself as a kid and sometimes I still act like one. I think I still have some time before I have to settle down. I have all these opportunities to travel and do whatever I want with my own money without having to worry about paying for anyone else. I feel like this is my time to live and enjoy life while I’m still young. I see my friends so happy with their families but they can’t do anything now. Well not anything outside of Pittsfield. And I see 1 friend struggling with that loss of freedom and identity. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to say I did some cool and insane things, get it out of my system and move on. Just because, my friends are settling down or my mother is trying to ingrain it into my skull that this is what I should be doing, it doesn’t mean that’s what is right for me. It’s my life. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen not when everyone else thinks it should or wants it to happen.