Disappointment

Disappointed. That feeling of being let down. It’s one of the worst feelings ever. Not that you have expectations from other people but hope that they have the same thought process and heart as you. Being disappointed by multiple people at once is even worse. I also realize I put myself in situations that in the end ultimately lead to a disappointing ending for me.

I feel like I am always disappointed. Not just with other people but myself. I tried planning a nice 30th b-day party for 2 of my best friends a few weeks ago. It would have been great how it was pictured in my head. But people who said they were going for weeks backed out days before, the person who said they were going to do the reservation waited and waited until it was too late and we couldn’t go there anymore. Or people decided to tell me the day before they have to work and will be late…. like 2 hours late when the dinner was partially for them. Then show up upset and fighting with your boyfriend, who I frankly am no longer a fan of. Different story. The whole situation was just one let down after another. I just wanted it to be a fun night away for two people who I think deserve it. It stressed me out, but most of it was out of my control.

I realize not everyone thinks like me nor do they feel the same way I do about certain things.  I care very deeply about the people in my life. Whether you are family or my friend. I like to please people, so I like to do things that someone would be love to do or truly love and enjoy. That reaction is what gives me such satisfaction.

When people say for weeks or even months they are going to do something with you and then back out days before. That makes me angry and disappointed. I understand if something extremely important came up, but the money excuse or work excuse doesn’t cut it with me. You knew week/months in advance. You could request the time off or save money for it. You know your money situation well before 2 days before. I honestly take that personally and will stop inviting you to do things. You’re not dependable and why should I get stressed out and disappointed because you suck at managing your shit.

I also will go on a trip with my big group of friends and expect it to be this amazing awesome trip. Which it could be if I didn’t put myself into the situation of still having feelings for one of my long time friends… and then having to see him with his long time girlfriend. No matter how I try to not let bother me it does. By the end of the trip I’m sad and just want to go home. Then I’m in a serious depressed state for weeks after. Disappointed the trip wasn’t what I dreamed of and disappointed in myself for putting myself into that situation time and time again. Disppointed in him as well. He knows I still have feelings for him and over the past he has told me how he feels about me. So why throw your act in my face knowing it hurts me. That’s my disappointment with him. I know I shouldn’t have it but I do and I think he would owe me a little respect for being “friends” as long as we have been.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just different. Maybe I take things too personally. Maybe I internalize it too much. Hell maybe I need to go see a therapist. I just know the word disappointed gets thrown around alot in my head, the frown goes down and the sadness takes over far too often.

(See Told you the winter depression hasn’t left yet… so I apologize for these moody and depressing posts. Just me getting it all out)

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