Depression: feelings of severe despondency & dejection.

I have known since I was about 12 years old that I had moments of depression. It probably wasn’t until I was about 15 when it really started showing and my mom first mentioned I should go see a therapist. I refused and begged her to not force me to go. The thought of having to talk to a stranger about me was so scary. She never forced me to go but 30-year-old me looking back wishes she did. Maybe I’d be different now. Maybe I wouldn’t be suffering from the same thoughts. I still haven’t seen a therapist at age 30. So why not go finally see one, you ask? I am still scared shitless to talk to someone. And about what? My problems aren’t thaaat serious. I shouldn’t be depressed about it. People are far worse off than me, with serious problems. Just stick a smile and go about my day. A smile covers up a lot. Many people would never think I’m suffering. In reality all i want to do is cry and curl up in a ball in my bed. This post is both easy and hard for me to write. I have sooooooo much that comes to mind but at the same time as I type this all I want to do is break down and cry. Writing is a type of therapy to me I’ve realized. So maybe if I get this all out, even if no one but me will see this it’ll help me a little.

Hmmm so to start it off, I lost 2 women in my life that I was very close to at a young age. My grandmother (dad’s mom, my mom’s mom passed away when she was 12 so I never got to meet her) and my aunt Sue.

My grandmother passed away when I was 7.  She used to come up to our house every weekend from Chicopee and go shopping or buy us junk food my mom wouldn’t get us. She used to make me these awesome minnie mouse clothes and let me play with her makeup. She was a great woman. Whenever we were able to see her, I couldn’t wait to see her. It was just after Christmas and she wasn’t feeling well. She went to the doctors and they just told her it was the flu. She was only 62 so she should easily bounce back from it. Another week and she got progressively worse. She could barely walk. My dad had to carry her into the emergency room he’s told me. Told the doctors that there is something wrong with her more than the flu and they weren’t leaving until they figured out what. Turned out she didn’t have the flu but stage 5 lung cancer. It was spreading all over her body. They couldn’t do anything. She never left the hospital. She was in there 2 weeks. Her last wish was to see her grand babies. I was 7 and my sister was 4. I remember going in there and giving her a teddy bear and balloons. She had the biggest smile on her face and just wanted to hug us. We didn’t stay long because she was tired. I remember going to get pizza after and going home. Late that night my dad got a call and my parents both left while my grandpa came over and watched us. I remember his girlfriend the next morning braided my hair for school. I thought I was sooo cool because my mom never braided my hair. I got off the school bus and mom and dad were home. We did homework and ate dinner. It was after dinner when my mom asked my sister and I to come sit on her lap and that she needed to talk to us. She told us that grandma had passed away and was in heaven now, but we won’t be able to see her anymore. I remember crying but I don’t think I fully understood what death meant at that age. I really don’t think my sister has much recollection of her, which makes me really sad. She really was a fantastic lady. It makes me angry she was misdiagnosed  even if it was too late. Like what the hell. Maybe it wasn’t too late then. When she died any connection we had with that side of the family died as well. She was the glue that held together our whole family.  Every christmas eve my dad’s side of the family would get together for a big party. I have a cousin that is only 2 days older than me and my sister is only a month older than his brother. We used to love playing together and seeing each other frequently. When grandma died no one wanted to keep the traditions going. Their mother got back into drugs and left the kids wherever, my uncle left her, my other aunt moved to North carolina and my uncle is just an ass most of the time and gets drunk and starts fights. His son changed his last name to his mothers and hasn’t spoken to his father in years. my two cousins whose mother is a druggie (as far as I know she still is) also got into drugs and one is in jail while the other is wanted for possession of drugs. The family was hanging on by a thread and when she passed the whole family unraveled. So I guess that was a huge life altering experience for me at a very young age.

My aunt Sue was another person that I lost at a far too early age. I was 11 when she passed away at the young age of 47. It was my mom’s sister and she was very close to her. We lived 10 minutes away from each other and would be at each others houses every Saturday night. My cousin was 11 months older than me so we would go play in the wood or somewhere in the house while the adults drank and relaxed. We were all very close. I remember this week like it was just last week. It was the end of September and I just had chicken pox that my sister than got that week. That Tuesday we had to put one of our dogs down because she couldn’t walk anymore. My dad went up to the camp that weekend and my mom, sister and I had a sleepover in the living room. it was early Saturday morning. My mom got a phone call from her other sister. My aunt sue was in the hospital because at her yearly doctor’s appointment the afternoon before she was diagnosed with Leukemia, a blood cancer. My mom nearly dropped the phone and you could hear in her voice she was upset. What was even worse was my mom couldn’t go see her for at least a week because we had chicken pox. She was in and out of hospitals and trips to Boston for 7 Months. Bone marrow transplant failure and the disease just started taking over. Watched her lose her hair and get sick. My mom tried helping as much as she could. Last time I remember seeing her, we were at their house and my mom was cleaning it. I was playing with my cousin. Aunt sue really wasn’t feeling well and just stayed in her room. They few seconds I did see her, she looked so frail and fragile. My cousin came over to our house that night for a sleepover so his mom could rest. We made a fort downstairs off the bar and watched movies. It was the coolest setup. It was mid summer so the next day we were outside playing. All of a sudden family members start showing up and the next thing I know is my uncle asks to go for a walk outside with my cousin and my mom asked to talk to my sister and I in her bedroom. We were in middle of making grilled cheese on the stove. We must have forgotten to turn the burner all the way off. I remember the distinct smell of burnt grilled cheese when I walked out of my parents bedroom. After I screamed so loud NOOOO and just started bawling. It was so hard to see my cousin after his dad told him he just lost his mother at 12 years old. I think he was still in shock, not really registering what was just told to him. That was my first funeral. I didn’t cry at it. I saw all my cousins and aunts and uncles upset and even my mom crying. I just couldn’t cry. I just felt so sad. For years I wondered why didn’t I cry there, am I that cold-hearted? That side of the family continued for about a year to get together frequently but after that it kind of fell apart as well. See each other maybe 2-3 times a year and thats tops. Aunt Sue was the glue for that side of the family obviously. It was kind of sad to see that happen to that side of the family since I didn’t have the other side of my family.

Looking back now I don’t think I ever really dealt with either of those deaths because I was so young. Losing those key people in my life caused huge changes in what was normal for me with family. I always had all these people around when I was young, holidays were cheerful and weekends were full of plans. Then all of a sudden bam! That’s all gone. I don’t adjust to change very well and this may be why.

Weight. Weight has always been an issue with me. I go pretty in-depth on that subject in an earlier post. I won’t bore you with ranting about that. Just that weight has been a struggle for me since around 10-11 years old and I fluctuate on a weekly basis. It holds me back from a lot, but mostly I think it hold’s me back from letting a guy in.

Men. That’s another thing. They depress the shit out of me. Any one I have any real interest in doesn’t want to give me the time of day. Or they are in a relationship and just want to hook up. Yes. I’ve been asked out on many dates. Gone on a couple, never went anywhere. On-line dating is sketchy to me and there’s a bunch of weirdo’s. Just not my cup of tea. Meeting people in real life other than work or through friends is hard. Especially in the Berkshires. Everyone is all paired up already, either in a long-term relationship or married. Then you have the crack heads. I’d rather stray away from that scene, thanks. I often wonder if I don’t attract the guys I like because of my weight but then I lose a ton and I still don’t get the guy. So I guess that’s not it.I don’t know what is wrong with me. If some of these people I see out there can find a SO, why can’t I? I am so scared of growing old alone yet I am deathly scared to let my walls down and let someone in. I don’t know if it’s because I fell real hard for that old friend I mentioned before and I was more than willing to let down my walls and let him in and he just shut me down with no REAL explanation but a you scare me. Yet years later he still flirts and the things he says man, you don’t say unless you like the person. I think that’s a huge thing that’s fucking with my head. I’m holding on to a small possibility that maybe one day we could have something. BUT WHY WOULD I WANT THAT. After everything and me always being second, never first choice. Why do that to myself? I deserve to be happy and be someones priority. Not just a thought at night while drinking. I can Literally have internal fights about this one. Anyways I’m over this subject it makes me so exhausted.

Majority of my girlfriends are married now and have kids. That was a hard pill to swallow when I turned 30 and wasn’t even in a serious relationship let alone a relationship. I would like the husband, 2 kids and a beautiful house one day. My mom loves to throw at me I’m not getting any younger and time is dwindling down for me to start a family. That really doesn’t help me either. I get panicked and sad and most of all frustrated. To help me deal with that I’ve been traveling a lot. Trying to see the world while I can. All my friends are tied down and bringing their kids up. They all say they are jealous I get to go to some of these places. Little do they know I’m jealous of what they have. I hope someday I will have it.

Anxiety. I feel like that is new for me over the past few years but looking back I think I’ve had it since I was in school. Any time I would have to get up in front of the class and present a project or paper or read something I would get all sweaty, shaky and all worked up. That is a form of anxiety. I get it now lately with winter driving. Ice freaks me out. I get so tense and nervous. If i think i feel the tires slipping I’m done for. A few weeks ago I had to pull over in Stop and shop and burst out in tears calling my mom freaking out because the roads were so slippery. I seriously can’t wait for spring to be here.

Overthinking. I am constantly over thinking. When you have nothing to do at work and live alone all you do is think. Overthink everything possible until it drives you crazy. That is the story of my life. I have conversations with myself out loud all the time. I may be a crazy person. Who knows.

I know this one is probably a bit too lengthy so I’ll cut it short. It was nice to get some of that out. I realize everyone has their issues and no one is perfect. I for one am farrrrrrrr from perfect, with my many many flaws. I know I am depressed and I should probably seek a therapist. I don’t know why but it is just so hard for me to get myself to that point and do it. It’s almost like I enjoy the pain I’m putting myself through. What the hell is wrong with me?


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